Heartache

I found some writings that had never been posted, so I'll get them up now.  This one is from day 3.

I was tidying up in the living room when I found a tiny red hair claw clip.  The world stopped as I realized she had been wearing these in her hair when she fell.  Angelee and I had just barely gotten to the point where 1) she would hold still while I did her hair, and 2) I was figuring out what to do with her hair.  She is my first girl, and I've been a little bit clueless on girl hairstyles.  So I bought her a pile of clips for her birthday.  Wednesday morning, she held nice and still while I brushed her soft hair, and pulled it back with a little clip on each side.  Now I was holding one of those clips, with a bend mark on one side, and missing teeth on the other side.  It had obviously been hit in the fall.  Oh, my heart aches over and over again.

The boys found the clip on the concrete patio underneath The Window.  It was right there next to the window screen still on the ground.  I haven't been able to go get the screen to reinstall it.  I can hardly look out the windows, and I can't open them either.  There was a little yellow ball out there too.  She must have had it in her hand.

I get the same aching feeling when I see her empty car seat in the van, when I find her favorite denim hat in the corner, when I clean around her box of board books.  I closed the door to her room because it was too hard to look in and not see her there.  One boy opened it back up - the sight of her things comforted him - so I've left it open now.  Open, and empty.  I don't know whether it is worse to find these little touches of Angelee around the house, or to not find them anymore.  Either way, it aches.