I was up before the sun rose this morning - we had a hard time sleeping. Trent was plagued with nightmares, watching her fall out the window over and over again. The day was cloudy and dark, feeling as dismal as I was. I watched the clouds through the window until I saw the bottoms of the clouds start to shimmer with morning light. It was the silver lining.
As we drove up to the hospital, we talked about how to be happy. Normally, it's quite easy for stress and sleep deprivation to make parents grouchy, but this stress takes the cake. Trent and I had often discussed how love is more than just the "falling in love" feeling; it is a decision that we have to make - and keep making. We came to the conclusion that happy is the same way. If we want to be happy, we have to decide to be happy instead of waiting for some elusive feeling to just happen. I will then resolve to think happier thoughts, look for the happier moments, and work - even though it may be difficult - to find the silver lining. I choose joy.
When we came in to see Angelee, we found her occasionally waking up. It turns out that she wasn't sick enough to be put into a medically-induced coma after all. She is being given a mild sedative to keep her from trying to pull out her respirator tube. She is doing so well that they are planning to take out the respirator tomorrow, and the sedative can be discontinued. She wakes up and looks at us with those beautiful blue eyes, and I can tell by the furrow in her brow that she is still somewhat uncomfortable. My Mommy-heart breaks to not be able to help her, but she drifts off to sleep again soon. I'm so grateful for the medical staff here who can keep her as comfortable as possible. I am glad I thought to bring her blankie - its soft fibers give her a little whiff of home, and has been such a comfort to her. I am grateful for pain medication. I am glad my little girl is still alive, and doing so well so soon.